seventeenfortythree | never, my love.

He knew he shouldn't have gone to see Fergus, but he needed to be sure no one was sending official law to the Ridge. So far, there's been no word, but as soon as he steps foot in the surgery, he knows he shouldn't have gone.

After comforting Marsali and sending her with Ian to take her home, Jamie begins making his way up the stairs. He can feel it before he sees her, the way the air hangs heavy. Nothing prepares him for the sight of his wife curled up on the floor, not even in their bedroom but in front of it. His heart shatters, and he's sure he'll never find the pieces again. Never could he have imagined carrying his wife's bloody, broken body. It makes him want to curl up as much as fill him with rage and want to kill every Brown in North Carolina.

Slowly, carefully, Jamie kneels next to her, speaking softly but not reaching out to touch her.

"Mo nighean donn. I'm here. I'm here wi' ye," he whispers.

She wasn't expecting anyone to find her, so she startles a little, jerking for a moment even though she knows it's Jamie and she's safe. He was the very last person she would have wanted to see her like this, as she's been trying so hard not to break in front of him. Though her hands are shaking, Claire begins to quickly wipe at her eyes, moving to push herself up from the floor, trying desperately to stop her crying. The problem is, she's so lost in it for a moment that she can't just stop quickly, and for a moment, there's a mixture of tears and hiccups alike while she works to catch her breath. She can't look at him yet, chiding herself silently for not being strong enough for him right now.

It breaks him open to see her struggling to be alright for him, and he simply drops to his knees beside her, his own eyes filling with tears.

"Stop," he breathes out. "Stop, Claire. It's only me. When can ye let yerself feel it, if no' with me?" he asks softly, desperately wanting to reach for her but not wanting to cause more damage by doing so.

As it's been since he's found her, Claire is aware that he's speaking to her, but there's a part of her that's here with him and a part of her that's still so far away, looking down on them both but disconnected from everything. She feels split in half, unable to anchor herself, and unwilling to ask that of Jamie right now. He's been through too much as it is.

Shaking her head, she still refuses to look at him, and simply tries to stand now. "I'm alright....I'm...I'm sorry," she murmurs, her voice a hoarse whisper.

"Why are ye apologizing?" he asks helplessly. "What are ye apologizing for?" He reaches out to help her, but his hands hover because his wife won't even look at him.

"If ye're apologizing for what those...animals did to ye, I'll no' hear it."

She shakes her head again, resting one of her hands on her arm and rubbing it up and down. "For worrying you."

His face softens, not that she's looking at him.

"Sassenach. I worry about ye every day and have since the moment we met," he tells her quietly.

"What has my whole life been since then, but trying to keep ye safe?"

Only this time, he failed.

"Let me take care of ye?" he asks softly, extending a hand toward her.

It's the almost plaintive way he asks to be allowed to care for her that forces her to look at him finally. Her hiccups have subsided, though tears still threaten. It's when she finally takes his hand that she begins to cry again.

"Jamie," is all she manages to say before the sobs begin to overtake her, and though she's ashamed of losing her resolve once more, she can't hold them back.

That's all he needs, and he stands only to lift her into his arms, cradling her to his chest as he carries her into their room. Kicking the door closed behind him gently, he carries her to their bed and gently lays her down only to lie beside her and pull her close. He moves slowly, giving her the chance to resist or push him away.

She doesn't push him away this time, desperately needing him. Jamie is her safe place and he always has been, so she burrows closer to him, breathing him in. He won't hurt her, he won't touch her in any way she doesn't consent to, and he never would. Right now, she just needs to be wrapped up in her husband's arms as she cries.

It cuts him down to the bone to see her this way, to know that she'll be forever changed. He wants to keep her there against him forever, to keep her safe from everything he failed to protect her from.

He might have saved her life in time, but he's under on allusion that he actually saved her from anything save death.

"Ye're safe, my own. You are here, in my arms, and I'll no' let any harm come to ye."

Though, the words turn to ash in his throat. How can he promise such a thing, and how could she ever believe it?

What she doesn't have words for at the moment are that she trusts him more than anyone else. His ability to protect and keep her safe hasn't been shaken by this. It's simply that she doesn't feel safe at all, not entirely, and that has nothing to do with her husband and everything to do with her most sacred and beloved spaces being violated, along with her body. They attacked her home, her daughter, they stormed through her surgery and killed a friend, a patient. Jamie built that surgery for her with his bare hands, with all the love he has in the world for her. Outside of their bedroom, it was her most beloved place to be, a place for her to thrive in her life's purpose.

That sanctuary was so violently torn asunder, and she fears she may never feel safe there again, while also trusting that Jamie would do everything in his power to keep her safe. She doesn't know how to explain that in words, that seemingly contradictory belief, and she can't trust her voice now regardless.

As he holds her, one of her hands curls around the fabric of his shirt, desperately seeking his strength.

He would do anything for her - tear the surgery down and build another - if it would take away her pain and fear.

Jamie's hold on her isn't as tight as it could be, not wanting to hurt her. He thinks she would tell him if he were, so he simply rocks her and presses softly kisses to the back of her head as long as he needs to. He has her, and all that matters to him is that she knows it.

"No one will return here, Sassenach."

She believed for so long that he would come, but as the days passed, she feared the men had taken her so far away that Jamie might never find her. It felt like too much to hope for, that he would suddenly find and rescue her. And yet, he had. Her husband, the love of her life, had found her and saved her from the evil that had come for her. To Claire now, it's only further proof that he her husband always will save her, and that truth is a comforting reminder as her sobs turn to quiet weeping.

Eventually, she takes one of his hands with her own shaky one, gently wrapping her fingers around his. This is the only touch she can tolerate right now, but she needs to feel their hands intertwined.

Jamie clings to her hand, trying to be a lifeline for her if he can. As she calms, he tentatively guides her hand to his chest, over his heart.

"Do ye feel that, mo nighean donn? I'm here. I'm right here."

Her palm flattens against his chest as she takes him in, drawing in a deep breath. She doesn't know what to say really, the words simply trapped in her heart. All she can do is lightly touch, and try to draw strength from him.

She doesn't need to say anything. He only needs to be here when she does find her words.

"I'm sorry I left ye alone in the house today," he says quietly. He'd known, worried that it was too soon despite her insistence. "But there's something ye need to ken."

He's going to have to go, and he hates it, but she needs to know why.

"Marsali killed Lionel Brown, Sassenach."

She can't look at him again, closing her eyes in pain as tears threaten once more. To know that Marsali took a life, and what that must have done to her, is agonizing for Claire. She just shakes her head a little, wishing it weren't true.

He doesn't know if it was right to tell her or not, but he has to take the body back to Brownsville. But he doesn't bring it up again, simply strokes the back of her hand lightly with his thumb.

"She'll be alright, Sassenach," he whispers.

It's only that she knows what it does to a person's soul to take a life, and it devastates her to know that Marsali did it for her. At the same time, she's grateful knowing Lionel is gone, and it creates such a conflict in her mind and heart.

"When...will you come back?" She asks, voice strained. She has no sense of time at all, feeling like when he leaves, he'll be gone for years, and that devastates her, too.

"It takes two days, there and back. But that was in bad weather, remember?" he asks, of the first time they'd come and gone. It'd stormed so badly in the evening that they'd been forced to make camp.

"I'll ride hard, Sassenach."

As hard as he can with a dead body with him.

"Claire, I dinnae want to go."

But they can't afford retaliation. "I beg ye to understand."

She's quiet again for a long stretch, which isn't like her by any means. But nothing about her is typical right now. Finally, though, she nods a little before trying to reposition herself and accidentally aggravating some of her injuries, wincing slightly at the movement.

He wants to beg her to tell him what to do, but he chokes it back. "Ian and Roger, Bree. They'll all be here wi' ye."

He knows that's not what she wants.

"Then there will be no more cause to leave again." His hands reach for her, hovering.

She wants to beg him to stay as much as he'd begged her to understand his need to leave. And it's too selfish of a request, so she won't say the words. She won't be alone, she knows that, but none of them are him; her husband, who always makes her feel safe.

"Be safe," she murmurs softly, not registering that she even sees his hands for some reason. "Please," she adds, almost desperately.

"Oh, mo nighean donn. Wild horses couldna keep me away from ye."

He means it, and he wants to reach and touch her.

"May I take yer hand in my own?" Jamie asks gently.

That question pulls her out of her mind a little bit and she focuses on him for a moment, nodding her head. She doesn't move to reach for him, but she wants his touch and she'll allow him to reach for her.

Slowly, so that she can see each movement, Jamie takes her hand and kisses her palm softly, then brings her hand to his chest, over his heart.

"Ye're the strongest person I know, Sassenach," he murmurs quietly.

never, my love.

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